Monday, 19 January 2015

...a walk in my shoes.

**deep sigh… The dream was simple when I was in heaven… You know, it was as plain as the nose on my egg shaped face, come to earth, be born to a British family, have a mother that loves me and will never leave me, a Father that could die for me, and siblings that loved me with all their heart and soul…. And then bam! on that cold Tuesday in the great year of enlightenment, I came into this world, not like a boss, but like everyone else; with tears in my eyes cause of the burning light which was close to blinding, with tears in my eyes because of the fear in my heart as those cold moist hands of the doctors tried to pull me out and cut off the true connection I had with my mother which was not just a placenta, but my ability to be with her, hear her thoughts and feel her warmth, I came here crying cause I knew I had not just left heaven where I could have all the chicks and Play station 4’s and gadgets and all the cool shoes, I was crying cause on that Tuesday yeah, I had been born into a world of utmost confusion, misconceptions, strife, pain and a world filled with as much love as it was filled with pain. And then I picked up my first pair of Kito shoes, and began my walk.. Where to? Who cares.. Why! Who cared. Yep.. Today was the 12th of November 1991.

At 15 the plan was simple, be an inventor at 18, get s scholarship to the University of Leicester or Essex or at worst Covenant, be a millionaire before 25, fall in love again and again and again, get laid again and again and again and again and again and again :) and then live happily ever after. Never for once did I think of becoming a writer, or becoming like my mentors Adebola Williams, Ashraff Mammann and Donald Trump Jnr who are all socialites as much as they are sources of inspiration, all I knew was that I wanted to make a difference, I wanted to be stinking rich and have 5 times what we have, I wanted to touch this world NO! Shake this world, I wanted to make a difference somehow, but above all, I wanted to not die an unlived life… Well here I am, not sure if I am living or existing, not sure if I am making a difference, not sure if my voice is being heard cause of its playful tone .. Damn! Mehnn I guess all I can do is stay grateful for the journey this far, and keep walking in my Mickey mouse shoes…

So many times in my life I have tried to be mean, non emotional, you know the heart break kid that scores and goes, the one who never gets attached. So many times I have tried to be someone else that isn’t me, someone else whose feet couldn’t feet in my shoes no matter how hard I tried, but all the while I have failed, all the while I just couldn’t do it, I couldn’t be mean, I couldn’t be harsh, nor totally hateful, or a full time Casanova… Damn! How I failed each time I tried like I failed at Chemistry in secondary school. Since I came on here, I have met so many people, people that I sincerely love, people who when I say they mean the world to me I meant it from the depths of my heart, people I have tried to inspire, people that have made me smile, people who have gone out of their way to make me happy.. mehn, to all of you I say “Thank GOD for the day our paths crossed”.. But I wish those were the only side of them I have met.. mehn.. I have met those that made my heart bleed with their words and mails, those that misunderstood me for nothing but a joke, those that saw more trash in me than treasure, those who made me lose sleep, those who when I said I love you, they took it with a pinch of salt, and to those ones, I say I love you, to them I say please don’t leave me, to those ones I say I cannot be more or less than I was created.. To those ones I say please, accept my shoes, they are the only pair I have.

I write this post not knowing why I write it, not knowing what I am doing as has been same with every other post, but I once heard a lady I had only met online cry for me, she cried cause I was letting go, mehn it broke my heart as to how I could connect with her on such a deep level, as to how she could love me so deeply, I mean I think of this now, and my eyes are teary, and to her I say Thank you Bubba for teaching me the true meaning of true love. In the past week my heart broke, I felt wrong, I felt like such a waste, as every part of me was pierced and bleeding as someone like y’all that I truly love misunderstood my every confusion, my hands trembled as I read the mail yesterday, and I took intervals to put my head underneath my pillow cause of the pain I felt reading it, In-short I kept cursing as I never hexsperred it… I mean I was sincere all the while nah, why could they hurt me for being so? why couldn't they understand that to be loved is all I have craved for my entire life.. Not Romantically loved oh! but to be loved without strings.. **deep sigh... To you I say I am sorry that I was misunderstood. I am sorry cause y’all were correct, I got carried away by the size of my shoes and rather than just walk in them, I danced in them even in the rain and unknowingly splashed water on you.. I am sorry, please don't leave me, as i need you.

I met a lady, and she is AMAZING. I don’t know how she does it yeah, but she sees treasure in this trash, she somehow has been able to handle my idiosyncrasies with a smile, she has been able to accept me for the nothing that I am, and watsapp bears me witness…  to her I say Bubba, if I had just a little more, I would buy you the world not so that I could show you my wealth, but so I could make you smile. Thank you for understanding my confusions when so many don’t, thank you for making me realize life is too short to claim to be worth Naira 2,800,000 when I am not,  Thank you for letting me walk in my own shoes all the while. To her I ask; Will you be my girlfriend? Heheheheh I see you shaking your head for me.. lmao… That was a joke Bubba, but please let’s grow together wearing each others shoes.

My time here is ticking Monday by Monday, and I fear that my Why! may not be achieved… but as I walked to the 8-5 in the Lagos heat this morning, I thought to myself that when this blog is over, what do I want to be remembered for? Do I want an hagiography with my name on a series of other blogs?!, Do I want praises to be showered on this utterly young and confused 23 years 2 months 7 day old child when people would call to ask how I was fairing as an EX!? Yep, I would want that and jara sef, I am human nah. **Shines teeth.. But what I would want more is for someone to say “There goes a  young man that made me a better person”, I pray and hope that a 100+ people would think of me and smile cause I would have been have been able to share my shoes with them and of me they would say, “when he was here, he made me smile” cause in all sincerity yeah, that’s the reasons I bought the Timberland shoes in the first place, cause a walk without a destination is only for the mental and not for us the confused.

#Udo #ItcanonlybeGOD