Sunday, 29 May 2016

Happy Birthday Barr. Duru

Dear Daddy,

Words are just not enough for me to show gratitude to you sir.. for what you have done in my life and for all of us your Children. You are my Father.. my Rock.. my Shield.. my Hope.. my Motivator.. my Source.. my Teacher.. the reason for my existence.. Sir.. you are my Everything.

Time and time again Dad.. I have seen you put your life on hold just so as to set mine in motion.. I have seen you go Naked just so I could wear the finest of clothes.. I have seen you trek the streets of Lagos.. and Travel under the Harshest of Conditions around Nigeria.. Just so I can fly the world over.. and at each of these times Sir.. I am reminded.. I am reminded that you are not just my father… you are my everything.. my Air.. my Life.. my ALL!

A lot of times I have fallen.. a lot of times I have been lost in the crowd.. a lot of times I have been confused about the man I am.. but at each of these times Dad.. you have been here to hold my hand and point me in the right direction.. Words are not enough Daddy.. words are just not enough.

What father figure could best define you?! This I currently ponder on... But then it hits me Sir.. that None comes close. I know I am far from being the perfect son Dad.. As I have been as inconsistent as the British weather; being at a time in my life tooooo much of a Dreamer.. at another time sir.. too much of a money chaser.. at another time sir.. and at this time sir.. I am too Ambitious and stubborn.. but the part which gets me the most is that at all of these various times Daddy.. you have always been one thing and one thing alone to me.. A PERFECT FATHER patiently watching his Junior grow. 

I love you Barrister Adolphus Duru.. and nothing comes close. I know I am stubborn.. confused and more or less not the perfect of children.. but you are and will always be the best and most perfect of Fathers. Thank you Daddy.. for seeing Gold in me.. even when all I see in me is Stainless steel.

I am proud to call you Father.

Your Son,
Duru Adolphus Jnr.

#Udo #ItcanonlybeGOD

Monday, 23 May 2016

Musings of a RELAXED African Hair :)

**Singing in D-banj’s voice.. Ah! Koleyewan! Eh!! Koleyewan! Whooooo is knocking on my Door?! Koleyewan! :) Hiya people of the Almighty.. how you guys doing?! You alright?! Okay lemme just say that Today feels like a good day.. **Rubs Hair like Onyibo someboRRy.. I mean I feel like I am on a frigging role this morning.. like I drank a jar of Coffee in my Dream.. So join me and enjoy the moment.. How you ask?! Its as simple as.. Inhale.. Exhale.. Enjoy!!!

How’s it been Gang.. Its funny how life is turning out eh… But Today.. lemme tell you someth’N amma not gonna come and goan complain NADA.. Amma just go Osssshheeey Turn uP and smile a lot!

For those of you that dunno yeah.. I am big sulker for 2 things in everyone I meet.. Male or Female.. i.e Ghen Ghen Shoes.. and Amazing hair. I mean for women.. I am Team Natural or Team Braids in that I appreciate women with their Natural Hair flowing like mami water's own.. or those who have patience to endure the suffering and 5 Hours surgical operation that is called “Braiding”.. To those I say Y’all are the real MVP... the definition of endurance. Salute! However.. for guys.. I am a sulker for well treated Hair… and it don’t matter if you are Black or white :D

Since coming to this country and partying, drinking and Chilling with mixed races Friday after Friday.. It has hit me that the hair of a man is one of his most important attributes in life.. so it must be treated with Tender love and utmost Respect. It is for this reason and more that I have taken a pledge to keep my hair looking sharp always like Tiger razor Blade.

I recently went to inquire on how much to get a Haircut.. and when I innocently asked how much it would cost yeah.. the Onyibo woman said it would cost me 53 Pounds to cut my hair. Blood of Zachariah!! 53 Pounds?! That is Naira 15, 240 Naira… Omo ehn Gang of destiny.. if you see the speed of light I used to heXiitt the premises.. which means I bosita like Falz would say ehnn… Hussein Bolt had nothing on me :(. That has actually strengthened my resolve to trace my Root and maintain my African Heriatage.. i.e African hair..  I am now a Proud Card carrying member of the Relaxer Hair Gang.. Coventry Branch.

From Relaxing my Hair.. I have learnt 3 things.. that;

1 That life is hard.. but you can make the best of it.
You see ehn.. I am an African man.. to the core… and this puts me in the category of people whose hair naturally does ka ka ka when you are combing it. It hurts like hell.. and sometimes combing my hair feels like me paying penance for all my Sex Chat sins ** covers face.. but then I have learnt that that’s just how life is… Hard.. tough.. Bristle.. but regardless still.. we all can make the best out of it.. we just have to find our way around the Tough times.. and it will be alright.. We all have to simply find a way around. In my case.. it is Relaxer :)

2. Nothing is permanent
Thing about Relaxed Hair is that it looks amazing when you come out of the shower. I like to feel like David Becham in the shower self.. with me low key stroking my hair back as water rolls over my body **Winks.. omo ehnn.. if you saw me in the shower.. You would think i am doing one of those Tommy Hilfiger adverts. No jokes oh! Baba gats style like that eh :).. and when I come out of the shower.. look at my hair in the Mirror.. it looks amazing and compensates for the chest.. 6 packs and Girlfriend I don’t have. But fast forward to when the British Sun.. Cold and wind hits me hard.. all the curls are gone and bam.. David Beckham mode is deactiFated and e haf heXSpire.. and this has hit me that.. just like my Hair.. Nothing is permanent.. So in life.. enjoy today.. don’t worry about tomorrow.. Just LIVE


Now this is one very important thing that relaxing my African Hair has taught me.. as looking at me in the picture below would make you think I was going Bald. I like to say SEEM cause its not true. Without a haircut.. my entire Hairline is messed up.. with my hair looking like something they used Bottle to barb.. and a Rat Night Club Dance Floor. It is well. My point is.. seeing me with full Hair.. you would swear my hair line was gone.. but once I get a Haircut.. you will know that there is hope.. and that’s something oh! So! Ghen ghen about life.. Its NEVER as bad as it seems.. So don’t think anything negatively.. Just enjoy life and live every moment.

Thank you for the past 7 minutes of your time Gang.. my prayer for you is simple.. As you go into this week ba.. may you find Extra Miraculous money in your Current et Savings Account. Blessings Gang!

Instagram: @youngandconfusedafrica

#Udo #ItcanonlybeGOD

Monday, 16 May 2016

For Queen and for Country...


**Deep sigh.. I open my Facebook page.. and all I see is pain.. I see status updates about how the size of the Beef in Gala has reduced in size.. I see memes questioning who was a better leader… PMB or GEJ, I see pictures of long petrol Queues.. I see my people suffering. I see pain.

I open my YouTube Page… and I see videos of Ayo Touring the world.. making money from his craft internationally.. I see videos of Politicians analyzing the reason why subsidy must stay or go.. I see videos of how the Western World  is more interested in resolving BH than my very own leaders are.. I see pain.. I see confusion.. and when I remember that barely moments ago.. I saw Ayo Touring the world.. It hits me that we all seek some sort of Escape.. a way to leave and try to never come back. But Home is Home.. I will not run away.

I think I am too passionate about my country to never want to go back.. I think its cause I believe in her too much.. I think its cause I know the potential that is Nigeria and Nigerian's.. I think its cause its my home.. But how long.. How long shall we continue to live in pain and shear confusion?

Papa tells me all the time.. that there was a Country.. a country flowing with Milk and Honey.. a Country undivided.. a Country where Tribes were United in Diversity.. A country where there were Rich people.. Average People.. and not so average people.. a country where there were scholarships awarded to Excellent Students and not to relatives of Government officials.. a country were I was free to have a voice without fear of suppression. Oh! Papa.. what has happened to my Nation.. To our Nation?!


I have been in this Onyibo land for nearly 12 weeks now.. and behold I have seen.. that there is nothing the Great Britain is that we cannot be as Nigeria.. if only we would understand the need to help one another.. if only we would realize that we need one another to thrive.. if only we would realize that we need to respect one another's needs, lacks and wants… if only we begin to recognize that the life of every of our citizen matters... every single one. Oh! My Country.. Will we ever be great again?!

I would want to address this note to the leaders.. Typical JdB without leaving the shores of Nigeria would.. but I have seen maybe not enough of the world.. but at least a fragmented tiny part of it.. enough to understand that the Citizens are much more powerful than the Government..  to see that the citizens decide the direction of every nation.. to see that if the citizens had 1 voice on a subject.. the government would have no resolve than to follow.. I have seen that the Citizens make up the Government.


**Deep Sigh.. I know this note is all over the place with no specific solution in sight.. But How I can I proffer a solution when the exact cause of the pain my people currently go through can not be specified?  So what can I do? what can we do?! How long more will we continue to live in pain and fear of one another?! BH in the North.. Militants in the Creeks.. and now Herdsmen in the East. Oh! Nigeria.. where is the Glory of your Days past?! For today.. it is no longer for Queen and For Country that we must make the right decisions.. it is for us and our Families. Oh my Country.. Arise!! Wake up.. and see.. that we can be great again.. only if we choose to be. Oh my Country.. just as there was a Country.. let us re-write our Future.
P.S: These thoughts are not be misconstrued.. they are simply thoughts of the Author.. and not a mode of inciting emotions.

Instagram; @youngandconfusedafrica

#Udo #ItcanonlybeGOD

Monday, 9 May 2016

Guy Code!

At but this utter confused age of 24… I am learning that Life is about Time and Season.. Sometimes its Hot like a pot of boiling water.. Other times its cold like –24 degrees Celsius  Refrigerator's compartment.. but whether or Hot or Cold.. be Life Sweet or Bitter.. whether its Ghen ghen or Chilled.. we have to find a way to make the utmost best of our time… DAILY!

As I write this post ehnnn.. I am under immense mental Engineering and sexual pressure.. but I need to achieve this.. cause that's why I am here.. to make it all worth it; to learn.. to grow.. to live.. and eventually to transcend from a 24 year old Boy.. to a 25 year old man!

I like to see this year as a very important year in my life.. one in which I have chosen.. On my Scouts honor to Live to the fullest.. and to maximize like Kilode..  Inshort.. to put it mildly.. I have chosen to Live La vida Loca.. and experience it all.. You know; see it all.. Hear it all.. DO it all.. Be it all.

However.. By Virtue of my choices this year.. I have come across series of misconceptions in relation to being a guy.. some silly notions that my male peers believe in, but I have candidly come to see as but myths.. unfactual baseless laws.. Rules.. et guidelines. Like when someone says.. “He experienced Racism”.. I look at him and say to myself in silence- that he is the one in actual Mental shackles.. he is the one who unconsciously looks down on himself as less than Great.. important and relevant.. he is the one who undermines his great #ItcanonlybeGOD abilities.. he is the one seeking validation.. By He! I boldly mean Male and Female eh..Crazy Life.. Wrong Thoughts.

Like when a lady lets me have sex with her on the First visit to my appartment.. In turn I be looking at you like.. See you… If you gave me your all today.. what more would you think I would come back to get.. Yes I initiated.. yes I asked.. yes I manipulated.. but Think about it Nne.. La Vida loca is the aim.. Your choice was the control Element.. my attempts were an exam.. You Failed.. I won.. In this game.. there were no Rules.. but the simple guidelines were the choices and intentions in our heads. Its funny.. cause all men want NetFlix and Chill.. or Should I say Pizza and Chill.. But what we do enjoy the most is when a lady Plays Hard to Get… and shows us her worth.. so that when.. after holding back for so long.. we get to hit it.. we respect her for all the Self Control she had.. and stick to her still.

That All men Masturbate.. Abeg Abeg Abeg!! Whats that?! Its hard to be a 24 year old man.. I agree.. but don’t come and tell me that wasting a 25 Pence or Naira 150 bar of soap on wanking is synonymous  to being a man. Trust me.. It isnt.. Maturity is a thing of the mind.. and Masturbation is the absolute Lack of mind Control. Come on Mehhnn.. I am trying to Leave La vida loca.. That don’t mean I want low Sperm Account at the end nah!

That great Success is for a few people.. And in response I say; you lie.. Obinna Igbe.. Emeagwali, John Boyega, Ayo Balogun.. are these not part of the people which you unspecified?! Are they not Making it! Get up! Stop Being Lazy..and think. GUY! You are too good to be less.

Oh! And of all the things I have paid the most attention to.. is the mind of a woman.. I have slowly but surely tried to understand how women think and act. You See.. Bruv.. if a lady don’t like you when she see you for the first 3 times.. nada!! In this whole Universe will change that.. For some.. Money might Tweak it.. but not change it. So don’t stress it. Before you chase a lady.. be sure to Dress like a King.. Smile like a Prince.. Smell like A Model… Live LA vida loca.. and enjoy the life that you lead. Cause trust me.. No Lady wants Clingy.. yes they want to be PURSUED.. but before they make you start the chase.. they first give you a green light.. Guy!!! NO GREEN LIGHT! No Chase!

Oh Yeah! Lastly before I disappear from here to face my Uni work.. All those moaning and uughh ahhh they do in Porn.. they are all make Believe... And only as real as Jet Li catching a Bullet! Bet you already knew that nah shey?!


Instagram; @youngandconfusedafrica


Monday, 2 May 2016

So you think you can Cook ba?!

Holl Up! Holl uP!! Justtt Holl uPuuu! Mbok… **In the words of Ramsey Noah.. Biko.. "look at me in the Koro Koro Eyeess.." leMMe teHH you spomeT’N! Me ehhn! JdB!- Son of My Father!! I caNNot come and goan kihh myself sam sam.. aswear down ehnn. aYam sooo pissed! Aha! I set 3 Alarms this morning yNc gang- 3 friGGing Alarms so I would "arise oh Compatriotss" by 4 AM.. Do my Blog Post then Finish my Assignment.. and Read! But.. Lobataaann! Nnooo.. My enemies DiNNor allow :(.. Instead.. Duru woke up with his 2 Brains.. and with his 2 koro koro hands.. opened duvet and mind.. stood up.. and turned all 3 Alarms off consecutively.. and went back to bed! I mean who does that?! Who ohh??!!!! as I dey like this eehhnn.. I am soooo pissed off.. I have a Beautiful exciting ish to submit in a bit.. and I am here sleeping like a Millionaire (that I wihh be when I grow up) up and dan! Grrrr.. nawa oh!

**Wears Straight face.. So.. Just because your food smells nice.. and because your Chicken is bigger than my own.. and your salt less than my own.. and your water less than my own.. that Don’t mean that you can cook more than me Yo!!! Cause as you see me so ehnn! My cooking is Heavenly Inspired! I can and I have made some wonderful combo's of life. Ngwannu! Pull a cushion sit back and relax.. and welcome to the Young and Confused Cook Book Yo!!!

Roast'AE'Dd SuperGeheTTi (Please say the name with an Accent.. Its French)

Introduction:  Now this is one of my most Favourite Meals thus far.. **Tongue out

Inspiration: Hunger plus utter forgetfullness.

Technique: Put ororo inside of the Pot! Cut Onions that you don’t like and put inside.. Pour pleeennnttyyyy Pepper, squeeze the life out of 3 Maggi Cubes.. don’t put salt yet since you dunno how to put salt.. before the food wihh come and goan be tasting like Barbeach water  :(.. then put cut-cut Chicken inside. Afterwards.. do John Cena and Break the Pasta  into smaller Bits.. 4 halves of the original length to be Precise..  then put small salt.. Wo!! If you come and goan put too much.. Lobatann!! You will be Drunk in Salt Ni!

Duration: Leave on Cooker and goan Bath till smoke full the Kitchen.. Just thank your Heavens that the Fire Alarm diNNor go off! :)

Advice: Serve with Mayonaise.. If not.. OYO is your case... **Singing.. Baba for the Girls :)

Strong Beans and Garri!

Introductory Line: You see ehn Gang! I have always wondered how Dr. Duru’s Beans always turned out so yummy.. Beautiful.. Red! Sexy and all. Mine always! and I reiterate; ALWAYS!!!! looks like colored stones.. Hmmnn **Deep sigh. It is well with my cooking eh!

Inspiration: OWU! This is a meal I prescribe only for when Money e haf almost finish and you don’t have any other opSHion.. than to eat and shaaa fill your stomach.

SpeShial TechniKOKO: Put Beans in pot!.. **Draws left ear.. Wash it first oh! Ehen! Then make sure you put more than you can finish so it will last you for like 3 Days- Remember that you don’t Have money #TeamMaximize.. then Rinse the beans 3 Times after like 25 minutes of Cooking.. if not- The White Room is your case eh! As you will be in trouble.. cause it is over Dirty! Iono how Beans of British- Nigerian Heritage wihh be Dirty like that oh.. Mchheeww.. then Squeeze 3 Maggiss inside.. Cut Onions.. Put Small salt..SMALL I SAID OH! so the salt will not be Plenty oh! Then put Oil! Then Since you don’t have Crayfish.. pack all the pepper in the house and pour inside.. Serve Hot with the last garri Ijebu you brought from Nigeria.. Watch out for stone oh! **Singing.. This isnt good bye.

Inspiration; Now you see ba! This meal was inspired by! The cooker of the food was so confused.. he mixed everything in his cupboard! I mean StrawbeRRy and Indomie and Hotdog and Baked Beans! OBO-Jonesing!  

Method: Put 2 Sachets of Noodles on the fire and pour all those mede mede that follow Indomie lori TwiRRer inside Immediately so the water wihh not Dry.. Before that cooker that works at the speed of light wihh make barbecue indomie for you **Wait oh! Lemme check if there is School today or it’s a Bank Holiday.. BRB (2 minutes after) whoop! Whoop!! Bank Holiday it is :D Ehen where 'were' I?! After words.. Microwave Titus, Microwave Baked Beans.. Don’t Microwave the StrawbeRRy that I stole from London oh! And then Take the bread i.e All of it! Before it come and goan expire.. I don’t understand why Bread Expires here.. In Nigeria... Bread is till it turns green oh! Anyways- GoodLuck.. 

Turning Onyibo!

Introduction! Yo Gang! Just for the record ehhn! Nigerian food in this country is tooo hexSpensive! Aha! how on earth wihh Omolomo come and goan be buying  Yam for 3 Pound a kg!  waRRapin! Yam daRRis 150 Naira Back home.. I wihh be Buying Naira 1,560 hia! Lai lai to lai lai oh! I changed my mind.. and switched to Potato!

Inspiration: We Cooked this food after tasting it at a Church celebration.. I never knew Potato tasted so nice. :)

Method: Sha Pack Potato and put inside water.. when your Church mind say e haf Dawn.. Bring it out and undress it.. Collect  1 of the remaining 3 eggs.. Cut Hot Dogs, Pack all the pepper your hands can reach.. Put plenty Onions that you will end up separating and throwing away leRRa and Fry togeRRa! And Taddaaa!!!  **Singing.. All my boRRy Join togethheerr!

Caterers Note:

Life is like a Plate of food! Looking at this Plate of food above ba Gang.. You would think it is perfect.. you would think it would taste wonderful.. you would think it has everything going for it.. But behold gang.. this is the most SALTY meal I have made in my 24 years 173 days of existence.. and this teaches me something about life- It teaches me; that Never.. for any reason in the world.. should I envy the life of another.. cause what may seem perfect on the outside might be all just be make Believe.

Thank you for the past 7 minutes of your time gang.. You do me a great Honor with it! My Prayer for you this week is simple.. may you get Alert- GODWIN!! HaPPy MAY day Gang!! Turrrrnnn uPPPP!!!

Instagram/ Facebook: @youngandconfusedafrica/ Duru John D Beloved

#Udo #ItcanonlybeGOD