Monday, 2 May 2016

So you think you can Cook ba?!

Holl Up! Holl uP!! Justtt Holl uPuuu! Mbok… **In the words of Ramsey Noah.. Biko.. "look at me in the Koro Koro Eyeess.." leMMe teHH you spomeT’N! Me ehhn! JdB!- Son of My Father!! I caNNot come and goan kihh myself sam sam.. aswear down ehnn. aYam sooo pissed! Aha! I set 3 Alarms this morning yNc gang- 3 friGGing Alarms so I would "arise oh Compatriotss" by 4 AM.. Do my Blog Post then Finish my Assignment.. and Read! But.. Lobataaann! Nnooo.. My enemies DiNNor allow :(.. Instead.. Duru woke up with his 2 Brains.. and with his 2 koro koro hands.. opened duvet and mind.. stood up.. and turned all 3 Alarms off consecutively.. and went back to bed! I mean who does that?! Who ohh??!!!! as I dey like this eehhnn.. I am soooo pissed off.. I have a Beautiful exciting ish to submit in a bit.. and I am here sleeping like a Millionaire (that I wihh be when I grow up) up and dan! Grrrr.. nawa oh!

**Wears Straight face.. So.. Just because your food smells nice.. and because your Chicken is bigger than my own.. and your salt less than my own.. and your water less than my own.. that Don’t mean that you can cook more than me Yo!!! Cause as you see me so ehnn! My cooking is Heavenly Inspired! I can and I have made some wonderful combo's of life. Ngwannu! Pull a cushion sit back and relax.. and welcome to the Young and Confused Cook Book Yo!!!

Roast'AE'Dd SuperGeheTTi (Please say the name with an Accent.. Its French)

Introduction:  Now this is one of my most Favourite Meals thus far.. **Tongue out

Inspiration: Hunger plus utter forgetfullness.

Technique: Put ororo inside of the Pot! Cut Onions that you don’t like and put inside.. Pour pleeennnttyyyy Pepper, squeeze the life out of 3 Maggi Cubes.. don’t put salt yet since you dunno how to put salt.. before the food wihh come and goan be tasting like Barbeach water  :(.. then put cut-cut Chicken inside. Afterwards.. do John Cena and Break the Pasta  into smaller Bits.. 4 halves of the original length to be Precise..  then put small salt.. Wo!! If you come and goan put too much.. Lobatann!! You will be Drunk in Salt Ni!

Duration: Leave on Cooker and goan Bath till smoke full the Kitchen.. Just thank your Heavens that the Fire Alarm diNNor go off! :)

Advice: Serve with Mayonaise.. If not.. OYO is your case... **Singing.. Baba for the Girls :)

Strong Beans and Garri!

Introductory Line: You see ehn Gang! I have always wondered how Dr. Duru’s Beans always turned out so yummy.. Beautiful.. Red! Sexy and all. Mine always! and I reiterate; ALWAYS!!!! looks like colored stones.. Hmmnn **Deep sigh. It is well with my cooking eh!

Inspiration: OWU! This is a meal I prescribe only for when Money e haf almost finish and you don’t have any other opSHion.. than to eat and shaaa fill your stomach.

SpeShial TechniKOKO: Put Beans in pot!.. **Draws left ear.. Wash it first oh! Ehen! Then make sure you put more than you can finish so it will last you for like 3 Days- Remember that you don’t Have money #TeamMaximize.. then Rinse the beans 3 Times after like 25 minutes of Cooking.. if not- The White Room is your case eh! As you will be in trouble.. cause it is over Dirty! Iono how Beans of British- Nigerian Heritage wihh be Dirty like that oh.. Mchheeww.. then Squeeze 3 Maggiss inside.. Cut Onions.. Put Small salt..SMALL I SAID OH! so the salt will not be Plenty oh! Then put Oil! Then Since you don’t have Crayfish.. pack all the pepper in the house and pour inside.. Serve Hot with the last garri Ijebu you brought from Nigeria.. Watch out for stone oh! **Singing.. This isnt good bye.

Inspiration; Now you see ba! This meal was inspired by! The cooker of the food was so confused.. he mixed everything in his cupboard! I mean StrawbeRRy and Indomie and Hotdog and Baked Beans! OBO-Jonesing!  

Method: Put 2 Sachets of Noodles on the fire and pour all those mede mede that follow Indomie lori TwiRRer inside Immediately so the water wihh not Dry.. Before that cooker that works at the speed of light wihh make barbecue indomie for you **Wait oh! Lemme check if there is School today or it’s a Bank Holiday.. BRB (2 minutes after) whoop! Whoop!! Bank Holiday it is :D Ehen where 'were' I?! After words.. Microwave Titus, Microwave Baked Beans.. Don’t Microwave the StrawbeRRy that I stole from London oh! And then Take the bread i.e All of it! Before it come and goan expire.. I don’t understand why Bread Expires here.. In Nigeria... Bread is till it turns green oh! Anyways- GoodLuck.. 

Turning Onyibo!

Introduction! Yo Gang! Just for the record ehhn! Nigerian food in this country is tooo hexSpensive! Aha! how on earth wihh Omolomo come and goan be buying  Yam for 3 Pound a kg!  waRRapin! Yam daRRis 150 Naira Back home.. I wihh be Buying Naira 1,560 hia! Lai lai to lai lai oh! I changed my mind.. and switched to Potato!

Inspiration: We Cooked this food after tasting it at a Church celebration.. I never knew Potato tasted so nice. :)

Method: Sha Pack Potato and put inside water.. when your Church mind say e haf Dawn.. Bring it out and undress it.. Collect  1 of the remaining 3 eggs.. Cut Hot Dogs, Pack all the pepper your hands can reach.. Put plenty Onions that you will end up separating and throwing away leRRa and Fry togeRRa! And Taddaaa!!!  **Singing.. All my boRRy Join togethheerr!

Caterers Note:

Life is like a Plate of food! Looking at this Plate of food above ba Gang.. You would think it is perfect.. you would think it would taste wonderful.. you would think it has everything going for it.. But behold gang.. this is the most SALTY meal I have made in my 24 years 173 days of existence.. and this teaches me something about life- It teaches me; that Never.. for any reason in the world.. should I envy the life of another.. cause what may seem perfect on the outside might be all just be make Believe.

Thank you for the past 7 minutes of your time gang.. You do me a great Honor with it! My Prayer for you this week is simple.. may you get Alert- GODWIN!! HaPPy MAY day Gang!! Turrrrnnn uPPPP!!!

Instagram/ Facebook: @youngandconfusedafrica/ Duru John D Beloved

#Udo #ItcanonlybeGOD 


  1. Lollllll....Duru haf kill me with laff oooo...Na this kain food wey na you go greet the person wey dey eat "bon apetite" meaning "happy eating... don't bother to invite me".

  2. LOL
    Just don't kill yourself

  3. You made me wana eat a big meal... and is still morning and drinking me tea lol :)

  4. You just made me hungry

    Read the inspirational Story of late Benson Idahosa's Son 's struggle with fertility here.. The idahosa's journey to parenthood  

  5. Next time I think, I'll have to call for a delivery. Hehe. Kidding.
    Good on you for trying. Practice makes perfect.

  6. practice makes perfect, practice makes perfect....

  7. Hahahahahahahaha kwakwakwakwak kikikikiki heheheeheheeeeee OK I'll be right back to check on you

  8. Lol. You tried. At least hunger will not kill you.